List: Worst Football Music Videos
The 1980s…yikes. I think it’s safe to say it was the only decade we look back at and collectively say: “What the fuck were they thinking?” The fashion, the music, the fashion, the TV shows, the movies, and dear god, the fashion. The music wasn’t completely useless, but there were regrettable times. None more obvious than when NFL teams made their own songs.
Apparently between 1985 and 1989, you were required by the NFL to make embarrassing music videos about your team. Most of us remember, as much as we’d like to forget, the Chicago Bears’ “Super Bowl Shuffle”, but that was only the beginning, and it went downhill from there.
As usual, the star of this cringe binge is the fashion. Zubaz, mullets, AC Slater pants, and the color teal, all rear their ugly heads in this collection. Let’s count down some of our favorites, shall we?!
6. 1986 LA Raiders – Silver and Black Attack
Appearing first on our list is the almost SEVEN MINUTE L.A. Raiders song from 1986. Judging by the sick rhymes in this piece, they probably spent all of eight minutes writing it. Sack, Black, Attack, Back… it’s basically an AC/DC song. Despite being a pretty embarrassing and incredibly long effort, it kind of has a catchy hook. All you have to do is put up with Howie Long talking his way through his verse to get to that finger-poppin’ chorus. Not really worth it, to be honest.
5. 1986 Washington Redskins – Thanks 12th Man
A for effort! The Redskins had their own dance worked out and had #77, Darryl Grant, dressed up like he was in Run DMC. They even did the smart thing and kept all the off-beat white linemen in the back. This song just sucks though.
4. 1985 Seattle Seahawks – Locker Room Rock
I don’t get the opening of this video. Why’s everyone sweating and yawning? However, the opening is the least of this song’s problems. After encouraging his teammates to buck up, #55 Michael Jackson (yes, really), breaks into song (as NFL locker rooms usually do), to the tune of the ultra-hacky “Yakety Yak.” I’m guessing no one told #63 at the :56 second mark this was going to be part of the video as rather than tell us he seems to ask,”The Blue Wave is on a roll?” Maybe he confused it with a dinner roll. I can’t blame him. If I was told to say that when I was hungry and sweaty, I’d be just as confused.
The obvious high-point of this jam is the in-shower saxophone solo (that old cliche). Followed by some more awkward dancing and fake guitar playing in a smoke filled locker room before they finish. Thankfully it’s only about two minutes long. Then two minutes of credits. Alarming that it took so many people to work on such a forgettable song.
3. 1989 San Francisco 49ers – 49ers Rap
The graphics on this video are comically awful. It starts with the terrible picture of a football player that is…dancing?…having a seizure? It’s unclear. Luckily, the graphics don’t stop there. The late 80s and early 90s loved geometry. Random squares and triangles made of neon colors show up out of nowhere. Combine that with the nauseating snap zooms and violent camera movements and this is a strong contender for the worst music video ever created. Saving it from being a complete pile are the cameos by Hall of Famers, Jerry Rice and Ronnie Lott. They can do no wrong in my book. They tried their best to ruin their legacy with this video, though.
2. 1988 Philadelphia Eagles – Buddy’s Watchin’ You
This video is just scary. I am pretty sure the Buddy they are referring to is the defensive coordinator Buddy Ryan. But, he is nowhere to be found in this video. Why is he watching me? Creepy. Also, the other music videos on this list at least tried to make an entertaining video, all we get with this one is few provocative close-ups of the recording equipment, and the rest are clips of everyone gyrating in the studio. Most are wearing sunglasses even though they are indoors for some reason. They roped two women to do backup vocals on this track, possibly against their will. To cap off the uncomfortable vibe, we get a shot of whoever the producer is, with a “You think this is a game?!” look to him right around 3:32 of the video. Some of the players seem to be having fun, but he sure as hell isn’t.
1. 1989 Miami Dolphins – Can’t Touch Us