List: 5 Worst Super Bowl Halftime Shows
By Philip Costache
Why couldn’t I have done a “Best Super Bowl Halftime Shows” you ask? Because I’m a masochist who gets off listening to abysmal mainstream music deemed too torturous even by Guantanamo standards. As we approach Super Bowl 50, I would like to remind you that before the 80s, and especially prior to Michael Jackson’s seminal 1993 performance, most Super Bowl halftime shows consisted of college marching bands banging and blowing away abrasive numbers, and your grandparents’ most beloved singers inducing the audience into a coma. Also, the plague known as Up With People had their fair share of shows. But I’ll get to them in a minute. Since then, the halftime shows have improved in style, aesthetics, pomp and showmanship. The artists now tend to electrify the crowds, which I think is appropriate given the nature of the event. Even though some standards were altered, change doesn’t necessarily guarantee success.
5. Blues Brother Bash: Super Bowl XXXI
Before you accuse me of heresy, blasphemy, and idiocy, hear me out. I think the Blues Brothers movie is the best musical of all time. Dan Aykroyd and John Belushi are absolutely brilliant. On the other hand, Jim Belushi is a fucking hack who should have thought twice before donning his brother’s iconic suit, hat and shades. James Brown and ZZ Top also swing and dip about on stage, lip-syncing their ways to huge paychecks. Nevertheless, they manage to rescue the show from utter disappointment.
4. Up With People: Super Bowls X, XIV, XVI and XX
If there anything I hate more than idle talk, it’s 440 people from 24 countries singing and dancing to elevator music. Seldom will one be subjected to something more insipidly cheesy. Who the hell thought booking these syphilis inducing mannequins was a good idea? I’ll concede that whoever was responsible for organizing the halftime was probably faced with an almost impossible choice between offering the spectators rancid milk, rotten potatoes or spoiled meat. You trust your intuition and make the choice that you figure would hospitalize the least amount of people.
3. New Kids on the Block: Super Bowl XXV
Because an important war story aired during the halftime, NKOTB and the children got bumped to the back of the line. I’m not sure why there were still people in the stadium at the time of their hypnotically bad performance. What’s strikingly creepy and haunting is Mickey Mouse thanking our armed forces for their service in whatever shithole country they were fighting the bad guys in that year. Whatever you say, mutant rat.
2. Elvis Presto: Super Bowl XXIII
Yeah, I’ve never heard of Elvis Presto before, either. I couldn’t find a video that’s longer than this one. You should be appreciative, as this is absolutely asinine. Not even the retro graphics could help this pile of shit. This card trick of his evokes unpleasant memories of walking around Greek Town Casino and being a spectator to zombie-people’s banal lives of feeding coins to slot machines for hours on end. Is there nothing else happening?
1. The Black Eyed Peas: Super Bowl XLV
Story time! A few years ago, I stumbled upon a meme illustrating a novel way to enjoy The Black Eyed Peas Experience (Wii Game): Inside the case, instead of the disc there is a keen knife and a piece of paper instructing you to insert said knife into your ear. Presently, I still endorse this approach of delving into their repertoire.
For Super Bowl 50, Coldplay will take the stage. Over the years, they have built an immaculate reputation of generating some of the most electrifying concerts known to humanity. I predict their performance will rank among the best in Super Bowl history. What’s this? Beyoncé and Bruno Mars are also performing alongside them? There’s your punchline.
Good night, everyone!